D Day

As of yesterday around 11am, I am legally single again. Ironically, the official divorce decree says "the marriage contract heretofore entered into between these two parties...is set aside and officially dissolved as fully and effectually as if no such contract had ever been made or entered into."

Obviously, I get the legal point, but it's not like I can erase nearly eight years of my life. I think that is the most difficult part of this whole journey. Regardless of how disfunctional the relationship had become, regardless of how much I needed to sever my relationship from him in order to heal myself, to move forward with my life and grow professionally, emotionally, spiritually and otherwise--he will always be with me. Every day there are reminders, from his name on my prescription drugs, to the random note I'll find in my drawer, to his friends that inquire about his mental state to the countless memories that become more abstract, yet no less painful. Some are good memories. And those are mostly the ones I remember. And they make me sad. Not because I could or want to go back to that specific place in time, but because those people are no longer. Yet, just because we've gone our separate ways doesn't mean I stop loving or feeling or caring. And I do, infinitely. You don't forget someone who has a profound affect on your life, who grows into adulthood with you.

And yet, to continue that journey, I had to leave, I had to move on. And I did and am, and the life that I am building is so wonderful and perfect, I have a hard time recognizing who I am today and who I was a year or even six months ago. And it's freeing to know that I can move on, to continue to grow and learn and build something that's authentic and real and entirely adult--a life that fits me and my dreams.

But I do occasionally pause and thank him for getting me this far along the way, even though I had to say good-bye and go the rest of the way on my own.