Thoughts on Babies

Given the fact that I write a daily celebrity baby blog and that on any given day, three of my friends announce their pregnancies on Facebook, it's kind of hard NOT to think about babies. That, and I'm 32, and my biological clock has been ticking for about four years now, and although seeing a baby gets me all mushy and sets off that insatiable yearning for one of my own, I've been keeping a list of all the reasons not to have one. I'm probably approaching a thousand by now, but I'll share with your my top 10:

1. Sleep. I like sleep. Uninterrupted, blissful sleep, just me and my cat, preferably for 10-12 hours at a stretch. And naps, too.
2. College tuition. It was $20,000 a year when I was in school--I do not even want to fathom what it will be like twenty years from now. That, and I have not a penny saved for my own retirement. I'll pick retiring sometime before I die over a baby any day.
3. Alcohol. Nothing tastes better than a margarita after a really bad day. And 40 weeks with no wine? Doesn't sound like a fun proposition to me.
4. Mini-vans. All cool people say they will never own a mini-van, no matter how many children they will have. And yet, all cool people turn into people who own mini-vans. Bleh.
5. Diapers. There's a reason I refused to babysit for kids who weren't potty trained. And if you use cloth diapers, which is the en vogue and environmentally responsible thing to do, you have to wash the poopy diapers. I still get a little queasy cleaning out the litter box.
6. Going out. I enjoy doing adult things like eating at nice restaurants, watching foreign films and going to concerts. I can hardly afford to treat myself to such things--how on earth could I afford a babysitter? And if you've even been to a restaurant with screaming kids--well, not the most pleasant of experiences.
7. Travel. I like it, and like restaurants, prefer child-free flights, restaurants and attractions. Please shoot me if I ever have to go to Disneyworld again.
8. Food. Have you smelled baby food? Do you know how much teenagers eat? And a gallon of milk is nearly $5 these days. Craziness.
9. Breastfeeding. Yes, I know, it's natural, but it creeps me out. That, and I already had a breast reduction. I like them the size they are now--I'll leave the ginormous, leaking boobs to someone else.
10. Teeny-bopper music. Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, New Kids on the Block AGAIN? As a working professional who promotes quality music, I would rather die than have this dredge enter my house.

Risky Business

So, I had no idea when I signed up for a summer kickball league that I was risking life and limb. I'm not sure if kickball contributed to the stress fracture in my right foot (bye-bye, Chicago Marathon), but it certainly didn't help. And then today, Tim tore his left hamstring running bases, most likely dashing his Chicago hopes as well--clearly, the universe is telling us not to run Chicago this year--and I ended up having to "play" catcher--Storm Trooper boot and all!!--so we wouldn't have to forfeit the game. The other team wasn't faring well, either, with twisted ankles and pulled quads and hamstrings galore.

Clearly, we should leave the kickball to the elementary school set!

Grammatically Speaking

Is it just me, or have adverbs become completely obsolete? I mean, I guess I can sympathize with the 16 year-old reality show contestant whose pushy stage parents' version of home schooling didn't include the difference between "good" and "well," but I expect more from newscasters and advertisers. I mean, is "ly" really that difficult? It works for 99.9% of adverbs:

-I am tired of poorly written newscasts.
-I fear that today's children are not being taught to speak and write correctly.

See--how hard is that?

Unfortunately, the need for pithiness, for the quick sound bite to keep up with our ever waning attention spans is coming at the cost of proper grammar. And it's driving me insane.

And then there's the atrocity that is subject verb agreement. Singular subject=singular verb. Plural subject=plural verb. "There is lots of mistakes in every edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution" is not acceptable--in more ways than one. Did these individuals not receive their copy of Strunk and White in whatever third rate J school they attended?

And then there is the issue of professionals, individuals with fancy titles like "vice president" and salaries that belie their actual talent and contribution to society, who write emails without any punctuation whatsoever, not to mention the fact that they sound like they were written by someone at 4 a.m. after a round tequila shots, rather than 9 a.m. after morning coffee. Is it really that difficult to click spell check (hint: it's the button with "ABC" on it--there's even one for this blog!) or re-read your email to make sure that it makes any sense?

Do they even teach grammar in schools anymore? Or are people really that lazy?

And even in this increasingly virtual world--help is just a click away! Even The Chicago Manual of Style is online. Use it. Please!

Bacon Mania

Apparently, I am a trendsetter (shocking, I know!). Not only has bacon mania swept through TNT Atlanta, but the entire nation.

Salon.com recently devoted an entire week to my favorite food. One "Pork Week" article, "Bacon Mania," included gems like the bacon bra (don't think that would hold up in the Atlanta heat), bacon wrapping paper, a new book called Sex and Bacon: Why I Love Things That are Very, Very Bad for Me and my personal fave, a host of bacon-themed apparel (including the shirt pictured on the right), courtesy of Cafe Press.

And of course, saying what we all know to be true:

"Bacon is sex in a skillet. It's the ultimate aphrodisiac for all living things. Except pigs, of course."
-Dan Philips, the Grateful Plate