Steer

Sometimes I wonder why I write, as some genius songwriter has already thought the same thoughts and felt the same feelings and put them to music much more eloquently than I ever could.

One of my favorite songwriters is Missy Higgins, a brilliant Australian musician whom I was lucky enough to see tonight at the Variety Playhouse. Nothing beats a good live show, and Missy was no exception.

Her concert was like a songbook for the past several months of my life. "Steer," which is about finding an inner strength you had all along, has been my personal anthem...

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go...you can steer

From the first time I heard it, the song resonated with me. I certainly felt confined and limited--by my career, by my relationships, by my finances, by my previous choices, by my own expectations and those others had for me--but when I searched deep enough and was willing to face the fear, I found that I wanted more and had the courage to leave everything behind in search of the happiness that had been eluding me.

And I said good-bye to all that was familiar. The safety and security of a "comfortable" yet unfulfulling marriage, the stability of a 9 to 5 job, the carefully crafted persona I had created for myself--I shed it all, not knowing what was to come. But I was certain of this:

I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
("Where I Stood")

This lack of self-identity without the careful life you've crafted for yourself, the feeling that you're not good enough or right enough for the person you pledged to spend your life with--recognizing my flaws and my culpability in my unhappiness--it was not easy nor pleasant. And it was downright terrifying. But I knew that if my identity was attached solely to the expectations of others, it was not authentic. And without authenticity, I couldn't grow. I couldn't learn. I couldn't be me, and all that I was created to be. I couldn't experience the fullness of life without daring to live with integrity, courage and fear of the unknown.

And that old life didn't fit me. It was Lena's life, not Laura Beth's.

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit
And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver, the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember to never go that far
Could you leave me with a scar?
("Scar")

And my life is not without those scars. The pain of losing a good friend. Missing my two puppies. The recalibration of dreams. But it's living.